Voila. This is how you say “Google it” in French. I thought you’d like this tiny bit of trivia.

Are you ready for Lesson 8 in L’anglais sans peine (English Without Pain)? If you missed my Lesson 1 blog post, see it here as well as read about what English Without Pain is.

Here’s lesson 8: I have a surprise for you in my pocket…

Am I the only one who thinks this is absolutely hilarious?!

French people over the age of 45 or so, who’ve tried to study English, will all be able to say “My tailor is rich.” Some might not be able to say much more than that, but by God they can at least say that and that might come in handy…some day! I’ve met many people who’ve proudly recited this line to me. I never know how to respond.

This most absurd and utterly useless phrase is the very first lesson from a book called, L’anglais sans peine (English Without Pain). It’s a book that a lot of French people owned, and I recently found it at my in-laws! My dad in law can’t say too much more than “my tailor is rich.” How many more times will we all laugh when he says that to me? I don’t know.

The book is pure gold in its datedness, silliness and just plain wrongness and it’s something I must share here, albeit in little blog posts.

Here’s the cartoon that goes with lesson Number 1: My Tailor is Rich. From where the author pulled this out of, I can’t say.

More to follow I hope.

Him: Hey! I was looking for you. Ground Beef?

Me: Wha? … Oh. Dinner. Do you want burgers or some chili or something like that?

Him: What?

Me: You must be hungry. Maybe some else?

Him: I’m confused. I came to see you to talk about something, not dinner.

Me: Oh but you suggested ground beef.

Him: What!?

Me: You said STEACK HACHÉ.

Him. No I didn’t. I said T’ES CACHÉE.

Me: OH! Hee.

More Franco-American Conversations

tags: france, french, living in france

My mum-in-law knows I like pistachio nuts and so she got me this bag…of fruits secs. In this case, “fruits secs” means pistachios. Got that? Good. French lesson: over. Oh wait. In French Fruits secs means DRIED FRUIT.

Where is the French Fail Blog when you need it?

Related: Restaurant Name Fail!

tags: france, french, fruits secs, pistachios nuts, fail

Still in a state of hazy happiness about the election results, I just want to scream and I will find it difficult to focus on any work today. We will HAVE to celebrate with our friends; no question about it. They will simply have to cut work, like us.

I’m particularly proud of my district, where I cast my ballot. DC had the highest percentage of Obama supporters: 93%. This is the last place I called “home” in the U.S. six years ago before embarking on my new encounters of the French kind.

Since leaving the U.S., we’ve been fortunate to be able to spend about 6-8 weeks a year in the U.S., but each time we went to visit, I had overwhelmingly conflicting feelings upon arrival: on one hand, I was ecstatic to see family and friends but on the other, there was always a lingering sense of shame and disappointment about what the country had turned into in the last decade or so and particularly, in the last eight years of the Bush administration. The country seemed to be falling apart at the seams and a high sense of morality and honesty was loudly absent. I hated this latter feeling. Pathological greed became the status quo, the environment and the food chain continued to be poisoned and people in need of attention were clearly ignored.

Despite this steep downward spiral to the bowels of American hell (ok, I exaggerate a little), the French who I met always kept a positive perspective on the U.S. I don’t know how but they did, and they seemed to express an undying optimism for “America.” I wondered. Are we talking about the same place? Then, I heard the French expression, “C’est L’Amérique!” and thought, oh, ok, you get it and it IS a terrible mess to you.

“Oh no! “C’est L’Amérique!” is positive. It is more of a declaration of hope and accomplishment. You know, The American Dream.”

“Whoa, really??? In the U.S. ‘That’s America’ usually has a more negative connotation. If you find some outlandish event or backward thinking anomaly somewhere, you might hear with a sigh, “That’s America.”

Happily, it has a completely different meaning in France. The French never gave up on Americans! C’est L’Amérique! And today their expression is even more meaningful.

tags: france, french, french expressions, C’est L’Amérique, obama

I was recently at a dinner party and someone recommended that I get some DVDs of Raymond Devos, a famous stand-up comedian (as well as a humorist, clown and “fake” Belgian). She thought I’d really enjoy his humor. Immediately, another person in the group blurted, “She’s not going to understand that!” and continues, “there are too many expressions that will just go past her.”

Obviously, I didn’t appreciate his asinine comment at all. Admittedly, he may have been right about what he said, but he shouldn’t have said that JACKASS comment out loud. What a jerk.

He is now on my HATE list.

Anyway, last night on the news, they announced the release of a new dictionary called, On va le dire comme ca, and I had to get it! I just ordered it even though it is 30 euros. It’s sort of the first of its kind, apparently, and explains 5000 French expressions and sayings (in French). As a non-native French speaker who is always trying to learn new words and expressions, this kind of information comes slowly, and painfully, like in conversations. And it doesn’t help when I immediately forget what they mean.

With this dictionary, it’ll be nice to have most if not all expressions I’ll ever come across, conveniently located in one book.

tags: france, french, dictionary, french expressions, unpleasant dinner guests

Why Travel to France is having weird technical problems, which should be fixed shortly. Regular posting should resume in the near future. In the meantime, here are some recent news items from France:

Jose Bove – started a hunger strike yesterday against genetically modified foods in France. A decision regarding OGM (GMO) in France should be reached by the end of the month. (article in French)

Free Cars in Paris? – the Mayor of Paris is proposing the introduction of Voiturelib’–2,000 electric-powered vehicles that subscribers can drive off without booking at dozens of sites, 24 hours a day, and then leave anywhere in the city.

No Smoking – France finally banned smoking in restaurants, bars and cafes effective January 1, 2008, which is a breath of fresh air!

Remember the EU Constitution France Voted Against? It’s here to stay (without the votes of EU countries) in the form of the Lisbon Treaty

Feminists in France have petitioned the French government to remove the title Mademoiselle or Miss from official administrative documents

France bans the word “E-mail” in government documents

U.S. expats facing tax ‘sticker shock’ - and Lousy Health Care to Boot

French Ministers get graded and evaluated, Sarkozy is exempt from being evaluated.

Calais Mayor Defies Sarkozy – A welcome center for asylum seekers heading to Britain from France was opened despite objections from the government.

A while back I got my mom a collection of oldie chansons, very famous French songs that many people recognize. Stuff from Edith Piaf, Jacques Brel, Brassens, Charles Aznavour, etc. She’d told me that she used to listen to them growing up as a little girl even though she doesn’t understand any French. My grand dad was a fan, apparently, and she became one too.

So, she was happy to receive my gift and she plays it often. When I’m at her place, I’ll hear her humming along happily with the songs. It’s very cute. I giggle, though, when the Brassens song, “Le Gorille” (the gorilla) comes on. I can’t bring myself to telling her what it actually means. If you don’t understand French, it’s such a happy SOUNDING song (merci, M. Brassens. listen to it here). Now, if you would listen to rapper, Joey Starr’s version of this song (listen to an excerpt), you might guess the song’s about something more serious.

If you do understand French and have heard Le Gorille, you’ll know that the song’s about a gorilla that escapes his cage and rapes a judge.

See?!

If you’ve been in France a while, I’m sure you’ve heard the saying about pigs: Dans le cochon, tout est bon. It translates as, “All of the pig is good” (to eat or use), I don’t agree with this but that’s not the point. I was recently reminded of this saying after reading foodie blogger in Japan, Kat, mention what they say in Okinawa: They eat every part of the pig, except its squeal. Which is a much cuter, btw.

In France, they really aren’t kidding. Nothing goes to waste; all the parts are eaten even the –you fill in the blank here with something gross–. Ick? You’ve probably eaten those icky parts: noses, ears, organs, testicles, whatever – in a pâte, sausage or hotdog somewhere (Do you even KNOW what’s in a hotdog?!). They say they even use the pig’s hair to make shaving lather brushes. Of course I don’t know ANYONE who uses these brushes. But, somebody must be using them with all that pig hair NOT going to waste. I saw some of these brushes in a store and noticed that they came from GERMANY. Did the French export the hair so Germany could make these brushes for France? Anyway, people who’ve reminded me of this saying in France are so proud of the fact that even the hair is recycled into these brushes – but seriously, is that true? Are they really using this hair? Now I’m beginning to wonder if that’s just an urban myth.

Then they say, “Oh! But we never eat the tail.” And say it as if just the tail is gross.

france french sayings pigs pork

Not that it’ll change anything or even prevent anyone from using this term, but a French Police Union is taking Le Petit Robert dictionary to court for including a reference to police as “connard de flic” (f*cking pig) in its latest 2008 edition. The union is demanding that this item be removed from the dictionary but the company Le Petit Robert states they, “would not under any circumstance allow its choices to be dictated by external pressures….it is not intended to disparage or dishonour anyone but to describe language in all of its richness and multiple usages, from its most elevated form to the colloquial.

[via]

Amigo Software just released new French learning software for Mac and PC.From the site:

“Learn French vocabulary using games and puzzles. Amigos French Puzzles includes over 2500 French words and expressions, divided into 75 categories and sub-categories for easy learning. Create unlimited fill in tests, crossword puzzles, word search puzzles and word games from these words, or play a fun dice and board game. Amigos French Puzzles provides a unique and fun filled learning experience…” Find out more

Download “free to try” demos:

French Puzzles for Mac
French Puzzles for PC

French Conjugation Learning Software for Mac
French Conjugation Learning Software for PC

That doesn’t quite roll off the tongue like “The Barber of Seville.” Anyway. While taking a walk through one of our favorite medieval villages, Autun, in Burgundy, we came across a shop window that read, “messieurs, messieurs“. (men, men) A barbershop in France! Well, SORT of a barbershop. Probably as close to a barbershop as one could get in France. Where was the barbershop pole?

Why did it look like time stopped inside the shop sometime in the 70s to become a movie set with Quentin Tarantino directing? Nevermind. Look in the display window and what do you see?

Blood splattered everywhere. Barber Shop! Then it must be so.

You see, in France, places like this attract attention because normally during that stroll down the street of French shops, you will see something to this effect: a hair salon, a lingerie shop, a shoe shop (rinse and repeat SEVERAL times over and over and over again). Ok. Once in a while a tabac, clothes store or souvenir shop will be thrown in for good measure but in general it’s the hair salon, lingerie place and shoe store or combination thereof. So, when you see a place like Mr. Barjot’s barbershop, it stands out.

Though he didn’t appear insane at all, the name: “Barjot” actually means “crazy” in French slang (Verlan), taking the inverse of jobard (crazy). He and his client were kind enough to pose for a photo. Thanks, barber (and barber’s client) of Autun!

It occurred to me that barbers might originally have been French, since “barbe” means beard (or boring: la barbe!) in French and barbers back in the day shaved beards. However. Despite being a barbershop, Mr. Barjot doesn’t do barbes.

Links: Everything you ever wanted to know about barbers but were too bored to ask

Il pète plus haut que son cul. / He is pretentious.
(literal: He farts higher than his ass.)

Il est coiffé comme un dessous de bras. / He’s having a bad hair day. (His hair is dressed like an armpit.)

J’ai la tête dans le cul ce matin. / I have a lot of trouble waking up this morning.
(My head is in my ass this morning.)

Il faut que j’aille couler un bronze. / I need to take a dump.
(I need to cast a bronze sculpture.)

Il secoue le poireau. / He’s masturbating. (He’s shaking the leek.)

Il va degorger le poireau. / He’s going to piss.
(He’s going to squeeze out the leek.)

Il branle le mammouth. / He procrastinates.
(He jerks off the mammoth.)

Il se fait des couilles en or. / He makes a lot of money.
(He is making himself golden balls.)

Cette fille, c’est un thon. / That girl is very ugly.
(This girl is a tuna fish.)

Il n’a jamais trempé son biscuit. / He is still a virgin.
(He has never dipped his cookie.)

Il nous en chie une pendule. / He’s making a big fuss about it.
(He’s sh*tting a wall clock about it.)

Il nous en chie une pendule à treize coups. / He’s making a VERY big fuss about it.
(He’s sh*tting a thirteen-stroke wall clock about it.)

C’est un enculeur de mouches. / He’s a nitpicker.
(He BFs the flies.)

Il a le cul bordé de nouilles. / He is extremely lucky.
(He has noodles all around his ass.)

Il chie de la broue. / he’s lying.
(Brew is coming out of his ass.)

[via]

Him: “What’s the saying in English when a guy has muscles on his stomach?”

Me: “Do you mean like a guy who’s in great shape and has muscle definition on his abdomen?”

Him: “I guess.”

Me: “Abs of Steel or I think some people say 6-Pack Abs.”

Him: “Like a 6-pack of beer? That sounds so…you know: weird.”

Me: “How do they say that in French?”

Him: “Les tablettes de chocolat” (chocolate bars)

Me: “Chocolate bars! Of course it has to be food-related. That’s cute.”

Dancing with the Stars, a celebrity dance contest, aired on American TV a few months ago and I was telling my s.o. about how an ex-NFL football player (and 3 time Superbowl champion), Emmitt Smith won, with Mario Lopez losing to him and coming in second.

Him: “Who?”

Me: “Who, who?”

Him: “I don’t know the footballer, but who lost? Do I know him?”

Me: “It’s not ‘footballer,’ it’s ‘football player’. American Football, you know. Anyway, the guy who lost was Mario Lopez. Remember Slater from Saved by the Bell? Did you have that show in France? You know, with Zack, Screech, Jesse and Kelly, Tiffani-Amber Thiessen before 90210?”

Him: “Yeah! I watched that show here. And it was Sleh TAIR, not Slater, ha!

Me: “Weird. What was the show called in French?”

Him: “Sauvés par le gong.”

Me: “Saved by the GONG?! You gotta be kidding. That sounds so un-French. I mean, gongs aren’t really a French thing, if you know what I mean. It’s more ancient Asia. Man, they just pulled that out of left field.”

Him: “I’m serious, that’s what it was called.”

Me: “Is it the same for the expression, ‘saved by the bell’?”

Him: “Yup. Saved by the Gong.”

Me: “That’s insane. ‘Bell’ makes sense for the expression and the show because who on earth has a gong? And for the show it works especially because they’re in school and it refers to the school bell. Do they call the school bell in France a gong too?”

Him: “No, silly. That’s ridiculous.”

Me: “That’s what I was about to say about Sauvés par le gong.”

Me: Sweetie, do you know that saying, Two’s company, three’s a crowd?

Him: Not really but I know what you mean.

Me: You know, the third wheel?

Him. Haven’t heard that but I get it.

Me: How do you say that in French? Is there a French equivalent?

Him: Yeah, it’s tenir la chandelle / hold the candle – as in, the third person has to hold a candle for the couple, I guess.

Me: That is so medieval!

Since we are (ok, since I am ) on the subject of cows in France I thought it timely to post this photo of another cute T-shirt I got from the same store where I found these cute Ts. Remember?

Elle est vachement belle la vie means, “Life is really beautiful” (with “vachement” meaning “really” or “extremely” but carries a pun in French since vache means cow.) So true. I almost translated it as, “Holy cow, life is beautiful” but it’s not really that. Oh well, you know what I mean.

Tags: france, french, t-shirts, cute, clothes, cache+cache, soldes, life+is+beautiful, elle+est+vachement+belle+la+vie

For what it’s worth, here’s a list of gift book ideas. I started this list way too late but it could be helpful to some of you who are very last minute shoppers in need of gifts for francophiles. (For last year’s lists of Gift Ideas for Francophiles click here: Part I, Part II & Part III)

Travel Guides
1. One Hundred & One Beautiful Small Towns in France by Simonetta Greggio
2. Lonely Planet France (2007) by Nicola Williams and Oliver Berry
3. France From the Air by Patrick Poivre d’Arvor, Catherine Guigon, and Yann Arthus-Bertrand
4. Provence Made Easy: The Best Sights and Walks of Provence and the French Riviera (Open Road Travel Guides) Paperback by Andy Herbach
5. Drive Around Dordogne and Western France: Your guide to great drives by Eric Bailey today

On Learning French
1. French: The Complete Language Course (Learn in Your Car) by Henry N. Raymond
2. French With Michel Thomas: The Fastest Way to Learn a Language (Deluxe Language Courses with Michel Thomas) by Michel Thomas
3. Rick Steves’ French Phrase Book and Dictionary by Rick Steves
4. Better Reading French : A Reader and Guide to Improving Your Understanding of Written French by Annie Heminway
5. 501 French Verbs: with CD-ROM (501 Verb Series) by Christopher Kendris and Theodore N. Kendris

On Paris
1. The Paris Cafe Cookbook : Rendezvous and Recipes by Daniel Young
2. The Historic Restaurants of Paris: A Guide to Century-Old Cafes, Bistros, and Gourmet Food Shops by Ellen Williams
3. Paris: An Architectural History by Anthony Sutcliffe
4. Antique and Flea Markets of London and Paris by Rupert Thomas and Egle Salvy
5. Alphonse Mucha: The Spirit of Art Nouveau by Victor Arwas

On French Things, History & People
1. Absinthe: History in a Bottle by Barnaby Conrad
2. The Cooking of Southwest France : Recipes from France’s Magnificent Rustic Cuisine by Paula Wolfert
3. JJacques-Louis David’s ‘Marat’ (Masterpieces of Western Painting) by Will Vaughn
4. Chanel: A Woman of her Own by Axel Madsen
5. The Wines of France: The Essential Guide for Savvy Shoppers by Jacqueline Friedrich
6. Culture Shock! France: A Survival Guide to Customs and Etiquette by Sally Adamson Taylor
7. The Road from the Past: Traveling through History in France by Ina Caro
8. The Color of Liberty: Histories of Race in France (Paperback) by Sue Peabody
9. France and the French: A Modern History by Rod Kedward

From Sign on San Diego:

When Patricia Russo takes the helm of newly-merged telecoms gear groups Alcatel SA and Lucent Technologies Inc. on Friday, she will be the only woman and the only American to head a company in France’s CAC-40 index of blue chips.But what is creating more of a stir in some conservative business circles is a statement from the 54-year-old native of New Jersey that she doesn’t plan to learn French…

Read the full article

You may think this is a totally useless list of words to know in French, but I say it could be extremely handy to know. For example, if you knew these words, you’d get the photo above. AND, you’d understand why many French women will not sit on these. How useful is that?! So, without further ado, I give you “penis” in 205 French words. One of my favorites is le doigt qui n’a pas d’ongle / the finger without a nail.

General:
* le pénis
* le phallus
* le sexe
* la verge
* la mentule (francisation littéraire et désuète du latin mentula)
* le vit (littéraire désuet, utilisé dans les chansons paillardes et les contrepèteries)
* Le guillery: (vieux français)

Slang Expressions:
* L’andouillette (région de Troyes)
* L’arrache patate ( seulement au Québec )
* La banane
* le bangala
* Le Bat (prononcer batte) ( seulement au Québec )
* La belette
* Le Bazar ( Belgique )
* le bazouka
* le bâton de berger
* le bâton de manioc
* le barreau de chaise
* le beignet (Catalogne, rapport au beignet catalan)
* la between
* la bichouette
* la biloute (Nord-Pas de Calais)
* la biroute (Nord-Pas de Calais)
* la bistouquette
* la bite ou bitte
* la bitoune
* la bizoune
* la boutifarre (seulement en Catalogne, désigne le boudin Catalan)
* le bras de Vénus (rapport au gâteau du même nom faisant référence à la Vénus de Milo)
* le braque
* le braquemard ou braquemart
* le bras de vitesse ( seulement au Québec )
* le cabot
* le calibre 12
* le chauve à col roulé
* le chibre
* le chichi (entre autres dans la région du tonnerois)
* la chienne ( seulement au Québec )
* le chinois
* la chose
* le cigare
* le colosse
* la Crochue
* le dard
* le démonte-pneus
* didine
* la douille ( seulement au Québec )
* le doigt qui n’a pas d’ongle
* l’engin
* la flamberge
* la flûte
* le fourniment
* la frétille
* la frétillette
* la graine ( seulement au Québec )
* le grand chauve à col roulé
* le grand chauve poilu
* le gourdin
* la guiche
* la guitare
* l’instrument
* la juste sèche ( rapport à la marque de saucisson éponyme )
* le jésus
* le kiki ou quiqui
* le levier
* la machine
* la mailloche ( seulement au Québec )
* le manche
* le manche à couilles
* le mandrin
* la manguise
* le mât
* la matraque
* le méné ( seulement au Québec et pour désigner la verge d’un enfant )
* le membre
* mérinos
* le moineau
* le moine ( seulement au Québec )
* Le Mono-Couille
* M. l’aspergeur
* Nadon
* le nem
* le nœud (désigne surtout le gland)
* la nouille
* le paf
* le pen ( seulement au Québec )
* le pelo
* le pénible
* le p’tit gaston
* le perchoir à condor
* le petit oiseau
* le pieu
* la pine
* la poilue
* le poisson
* polduk
* la pompe à plaisir
* popaul ou popol
* la poutre
* la quéquette
* la queue
* la rabistouquette (en Bretagne)
* Le ramoneur
* Le robinet d’amour
* la rousquille (Catalogne, rapport au biscuit local du même nom)
* La saucisse
* Le saucisson
* sarse
* sbab
* sboub
* le shaft ( seulement au Québec )
* Le Schafft ( seulement à Lutry )
* Le spaghetti
* tebine
* la teub (verlan de bite)
* La trique
* la trompe
* le tiche ( en belgique )
* le tube
* le vié ( déformation de “vit”)
* la virgule
* le vermiceau
* la vermicelle
* la Wanoune ( seulement à Saint-Monique (Québec))
* le Wipi (nievre)
* le z’boub
* le zeb
* la zézette
* le z’guègue
* le zigomar
* la zigounette
* la zize
* le zizi
* la zizouille
* le zizou
* le zob
* le zobi (pluriel : zèbi)
* Le foufonau
Vulgar expressions:
* avoir l’andouillette qui bave (région de Troyes) (vulgaire)
* le bazooka
* l’asperge : sucer une asperge = faire une fellation
* la baguette magique
* la balayette : “dans le cul la balayette” (vulgaire)
* Dresser les couleurs = être en érection
* Emmener Popaul au cirque = avoir une relation sexuelle
* étrangler le borgne = se masturber
* (se) battre les couilles en neige = se masturber (Région de Liège)
* Charles-le-Chauve
* le (grand) chauve à col roulé
* le cigare à moustache
* le chêne : rapport au sirop d’érable (sperme) et au gland
* le triple décimètre ou le double décimètre
* s’astiquer le chinois = se masturber
* la colonne : se taper (sur) la colonne = se masturber
* le colosse : je vais aller faire pleurer le colosse = je vais uriner
* le cyclope : moucher le cyclope = se masturber
* l’élastique : tirer sur l’élastique = se masturber
* faire « pleurer » (ou « baver ») Georges = uriner
* jack n’a qu’un œil
* le jambon : avoir le jambon qui transpire dans le torchon (le slip)
* junior+
* la flûte : jouer de la flûte = fellation
* la gaule (avoir la.)=être en érection
* la lance d’amour
* le manche : s’astiquer le manche = se masturber
* le manche à couilles
* le membre viril
* le membre turgescent
* le missile : s’astiquer le missile = se masturber
* le monstre : faire pleurer le monstre = uriner
* la nouille : égoutter la nouille = aller uriner
* tremper sa nouille : avoir une relation sexuelle
* tremper son biscuit(-sa biscotte)= avoir une relation sexuelle
* le petit Jésus : mettre le petit Jésus dans la crêche = avoir une relation sexuelle
* le petit oiseau
* le petit soldat
* aller changer l’eau des oliviers = uriner
* le paquet : avoir les bonbons qui collent au paquet
* le pingouin : cirer le pingouin = se masturber
* le poireau : se palucher le poireau = se masturber ; faire dégorger le poireau = éjaculer ; se secouer le poireau = se masturber ; glouglouter le poireau = faire une fellation ; s’astiquer le poireau = se masturber ; se faire tutoyer le poireau = se faire faire une fellation ; se faire taquiner le poireau = se faire faire une fellation
* le pompier
* pomper (ou se faire.)= faire une fellation
* Le piquet : dresser le piquet de tente = être en érection
* le robinet
* le saxophone à moustache
* le service trois pièces
* le soldat : le soldat est au garde à vous = en érection
* le sucre d’orge
* le tube à jus d’homme
* Le trois-pièces cuisine
* faire un aller-retour sur la veine bleue = faire une fellation
* Mini-me
* se faire faire un changement d’huile ( seulement au Québec )
* Se graisser le salami = se masturber
* la coquette
* se faire beurrer la tartine = se faire faire une fellation
* Se faire pogner la poche (seulement par un Paré)
* Changer son poisson d’eau = aller uriner
* Se poignarder comme un chien = se masturber
* Sous le plus grand chapiteau du monde = être en érection dans son lit (rapport à l’émission éponyme)
* Avoir le dur
* La veuve poignet = se masturber
* Tremper le biscuit = avoir une relation sexuelle
* Tremper le croissant = avoir une relation sexuelle
* Polir le mât = se masturber
* se saucer le pinceau

I get tripped up when I hear French expressions. Ok, I actually get tripped up with French in general, but the expressions pose the most problems for me. It is weirdly the same for me in English. My brain doesn’t like to hang on to expressions, so I use them rarely. I wish I could retain the French ones in my mind because I find them really expressive and colorful, and like the site says, “these expressions make the French language beautiful.”

Here’s an example in Franglais! I know, I’m not very helpful.

• I’m glad I don’t find blogging a Collier de misère.

This site lists a bunch of French Expressions to help your learning and comprehension. Move your cursor over the expression and there’s a description of the meaning (in French). I suppose it would be a good list to make flashcards to help you learn them too, right? Just saying…

Classic French Expressions

Courtepaille is a very average roadside restaurant chain. You’ll find them all over France. I just laugh a little each time I see one; it always makes me wonder about what they were thinking when they named it that. The name, “Courtepaille” means short straw, as in when drawing straws, whoever pulls the shortest straw loses. Obviously, this hasn’t prevented the chain from success. I don’t think people even think of it as meaning short straw (and if they did, they probably don’t care); I think I’m actually one of the few that has noticed. *sigh* A non-native French speaker thing, I guess.

In French, the word potager means kitchen garden. I love how the whole idea “vegetable/herb/fruit garden” can be neatly consolidated into just one word, a perfectly wrapped delicious package. Like a lot of our French neighbors, we too, have a potager, but I’d refer to it as an UnFrench potager, and it certainly isn’t as neat as the word nor as tidy as our neighbors’ gardens. You see, our French neighbors’ potagers, my French inlaws’ potagers and all the French potagers I’ve seen thus far, have been perfectly manicured and lined up so precisely you could take a ruler and see that each plant is the exact distance to the next. Absolute straight lines. Right angles. Rows and rows of potatoes, leeks, onions, carrots, radishes etc. – are no less than impeccable. I could swear they used mathematical algorhythms and numerical equations to achieve perfect symmetry. By the way, French potagers always have gobs and gobs of potatoes and leeks.

Even if I were the world’s most brilliant mathematician gardener, which I’m not (and I’m just a newbie gardener at that), a perfectly lined up garden simply isn’t my style. Ours is very asymmetrical and unpredictable. Hardly anything is lined up and instead I’ve planted things along borders, in containers, in a triangular pattern, but mostly just randomly. That’s probably not the best method to gardening, but that is how it is for me. And everything has survived and things seem to be alright. You can see above how the pumpkin has grown right next to some tomatoes and there are 5 different kinds of tomatoes planted here and there. That is probably bad to do, too, in the garden world but whatever. Sidebar: Our winter was so long and cold and ran into spring, the tomatoes in this area are still not ripe. (except the cherry varieties).

Our one and only bellpepper is pretty cool (I think, anyway!) though it got splattered with mud after a hard downpour. It looks like we are only going to get just one this summer but I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

Behind Lulu in the photo at the top, there is a growing Japanese cucumber plant. Love those! Lulu isn’t very interested in them, in fact, one could say they bore her to tears, but she can always go for the sweet cherry tomatoes (we are growing 2 different kinds of cherry tomatoes). We might not get any of those if she devours them all. That’s fine with us. It’s a good source of vitamin C for her.

Lastly (for this post, anyway) to add a little spice to the unFrench potager chez nous here’s our cute and wonderful chili pepper plant. There’s just one in the photo but it looks like more are on their way. Yay!

We have other veggies and lots of herbs that I’ll try to post in the near future – as a little reprieve from heavy environmental posts, issues related to disabilities awareness and other serious subjects I’ve been known to blog about!
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Lulu Lundi* features Lulu, our Boston Terrier, somewhere in France every Monday.

Translation: Cooked Jesus Slices

Tags: france, french, butcher, humor, coldcuts, charcuterie, jesus, cuit

This is not the first time I’ve pointed out funny shirts I’ve seen in France and I have a feeling it won’t be the last either. I absolutely had to take a photo of this French guy’s t-shirt. It would’ve been hysterical without an apostrophe and S (though would not have been true in this case). Also notice the “4U 69.”

I lied to him to get him to pose for me just to make things quick and uncomplicated. I told him I collected photos of t-shirts and post them on my blog. I like to consider this a “partial truth.”

Tags: france, french, t-shirts, english, funny

Many expats in France call Skype their bestfriend, or at least call their bestfriends with Skype. Yay for free long-distance calls! (Don’t know about Skype? It’s a program for making free calls over the internet to anyone else who also has Skype. Read more about Skype.)

Anyway, here’s something that works with Skype if ever necessary. Call Recorder is a very easy way to record your Skype calls and even your favorite podcasts (Call Recorder converts your QuickTime movies into mp3 files). Call Recorder is an add-on for Skype which automatically transforms your calls into QuickTime movies. This is a Mac application – and you can download the free demo to test it out: Call Recorder.

Though calls made from Skype to a regular phone line aren’t free, it’s fairly comparable to local calls but this is where the Call Recorder can come in handy: Remember calling the Gaz de France office or France Telecom or your sacré internet provider because you’ve had problems and need some sort of resolution? Record them on the phone! Ok, not that that is going to help but you at least have their lies on “tape.” That said, usually the most effective way to get administrative help is to send a registered letter to them.

On a related note here’s something for the francophone community using Skype… Si vous êtes un utilisateur francophone du logiciel Skype, voici une astuce pour ajouter francais comme langue par défaut: Cliquez ici: iApple

Tags: france, french, skype, long+distance, call+recorder, macs, macintosh

Often in conversation, I want to stop and remark about the differences of words chosen in French versus what would be used in English. French seems ultimately more friendly, relaxed and sensual. I love this. It would be too disruptive and geeky to interrupt with, “hey! that word is way more descriptive in French! English can be so boring sometimes.” – so I  usually stay quiet with a big smile on my face. I know, it must look silly, what can I say. It’s the little things. For the following conversation, I’d say that in English, one would simply say, “shrank.” The French version is much cuter. Me: “You look like you lost a little weight.” Thinking, if you would just pull up the boxers, pull the saggy pants down a little, I’d hand you a rapper’s mic. but instead… S.O.: “Yeah, I think I lost a few pounds.” Me: “I only say that because your pants are baggy…in the back.” S.O.: “Are you looking at my butt?” Me: (silence) S.O.: “You’re right. My butt melted.”

Tags: french, language, linguistics

there are so many british people living in the region of dordogne, that french authorities have opened an english-speaking tax office! i find that amazing.

read the article here: how to pay tax in french without tears (financial times)

are you thinking the same thing i am? (aside from thinking how rude i’ve become for writing a title like that) the “pisse-dru” label was likely created by people that unarguably heavily “tested” the product, but more so, clearly takes the prize for the most blundering marketing idea for this beaujolais wine. before i go further, “pisse-dru” means “piss a lot.” you know, just like beaucoup. don’t some americans say “buckets”? (that would work here.) the label un-whimsically features three extremely unattractive troll-like pot bellied plastered winos staggering about in unabashed bumbling-stumbling fashion. (one of them is even lifting his leg, as if….nevermind) yes, the prize goes to pisse-dru until i come across a ratty tat touille (the non-vegetarian version made with rats) or a caca dru cassoulet or even a fatty liver made by overfeeding and ramming food down a goose’s neck. oh wait a minute…

where was i? ah, the wine label. did you notice that it is YELLOW? yellow, like…nevermind. i don’t claim to be a marketing expert but i can only imagine father of advertising, david ogilvy turning over in his grave about this product campaign gone insane. the whole concept of the label seems soooo wrong. or is it just me? i can’t seem to get past the eye-catching, bright red letters that spell out the word PISS, can you? and by the looks of things with the shelves being completely stocked, not many, or hopefully no one fell victim to this stuff, which will most likely rot your gut to a point of no return, let alone make you pee a river seine. i wonder; does customer loyalty come into play here? (i’m envisioning all the towns’ winos cutting in line at the cashier) all i know is, it would have to be some wickedly amazing wine to bypass that uninspiring label. of course, you’d have to buy it initially but how would you get past that pee pee yellow? another question: do french people even notice the label? and if so, do they care? WWSGD? hmmmm. come to think of it, maybe this beaujolais for fat urinating alcoholics sells because, as marketing guru, seth godin says, “all marketers are liars” perhaps french consumers know this and enjoy their yellow label wine anyway. so let’s hope it is the case of marketing-itus and the french advertising executives of pisse-dru were indeed lying.

just as english uses french words incorrectly, (i.e., in the u.s., “rendez-vous” has more of a connotation of a tryst or a (romantic) date – in french, you can have a rendezvous with the dentist, a simple and innocent appointment) – inversely the french will sometimes use english words incorrectly. i guess i shouldn’t really say that’s these words are incorrect because well, in france, they are correct. i find them really adorable. note: they may or may not be in the dictionary (i didn’t check) so, while they might be shunned by the stuffy academie francaise elite, they are definitely spoken in real life. (i’ve heard them!)

FOOT – “il va faire du foot” means he’s going to play soccer. this makes sense (in france) since “soccer” in french is football. my SO says americans are weird to call american football, FOOTBALL, since they play with their hands

FOOTING – means jogging. in french someone might say, “je vais faire du footing.” (i’m going jogging/running). when i’ve heard this, i confused it with FOOT (see above). all those times someone said they’d go FOOTING, i thought they were going to play soccer. i’d thought, man, a lot of people play soccer around here!

FLIPPER – nope, flipper does not mean everyone’s favorite dolphin from the 60s, but instead, in france, means PINBALL (the old arcade game). sure there are flippers in there but i guess the french did not get into the old rock musical, TOMMY. – somehow, HE’S A FLIPPER WIZARD doesn’t sound right.

PEPS – like the word PEP in english, in french PEPS means a boost of energy. i heard a teenager on tv recently say, “j’ai du peps.” (i have energy) – the S is always pronounced in french, which makes it sound strange to my ears.

RUGBYMAN – this one’s not too far out there. it does mean RUGBY PLAYER but more than one rugby player is RUGBYMANS (the S is not pronounced).

PLAYBACK – if someone on tv pretends to be singing over a recording, in france they’ll say, “ah, il chante en playback.” (oh, he’s singing in “playback”). in english, we’d just say he’s lip syncing. while technically, saying “playback” is correct, in english i’d say most people would say “lip sync.”

TALKIE WALKIE – a “talkie walkie” in french does mean walkie-talkie, so it’s not too incorrect (just mixed up a bit), but always makes me laugh out loud when i hear it. (i know, it doesn’t take much)

there has got to be more of these; i just can’t think of any right now. do you have any examples?

update: more Les faux anglicismes

when i first came to france, i’d go into pastry shops and just point to what looked good and ask for that. i didn’t know the names of many pastries other than the standard “pain au chocolat” (the square shaped croissant-like pastry with chocolate inside), croissant, and…that’s about it!

sidenote: when i was in bordeaux, people called it “chocolatine” instead of pain au chocolat. (i’m not sure where else they say this.)

it’s ok to point and request things but doesn’t it feel better to know what you’re talking about? also, it’s logistically easier because sometimes you’ll order on one side of the bakery and all the pastries you want are on the other side. anyway, today’s pastry is called, the “paris brest,” a pastry puff with a hole in the middle, split in half and filled with a smooth hazelnut pastry cream with toasted, sliced almonds and powdered sugar topping the puff. it’s one of my favorites because it is soooooooo goooOOOoooooood.

some background on the paris brest pastry: in 1891 france launched its first bicycle race from paris to brest (and back again to paris). an entrepreneurial-minded french pastry baker with a shop along the route, decided to dedicate a pastry to the race and created a circular eclair that was to resemble bicycle tires. his creative, baking business mind paid off. the paris brest was a success, as was the bike race. (the paris brest bike race was a precursor to the tour de france, which began in 1903.)

source: JSonline

one of my frustrations here is that it’s difficult to find shirts with french on them. i’ve been looking for sweat shirts, t-shirts etc. for christmas stocking stuffers for my nieces and nephews. other than the large city names on t-shirts, there are slim pickings.

you’d think there’s an enormous missing opportunity here since france is the MOST VISITED COUNTRY IN THE WORLD.

clothing shops! think of all the shirts you’d sell to tourists! yes, there are other souvenirs to get from france but t’s with french written on them – are the most requested item from kids (at least from my fam). not mini eiffel towers, not croissant magnets, not arc de triomphe keychains – but french shirts!

there’s no shortage of “ENGLISH” written on shirts here but oftentimes they are like the one in the photo.

it makes sense that france, a country that is unambiguously sensual, hedonistic and known for some of the best cuisine on earth – has a language filled with references to food. i find this adorable and as colorful as the most meticulously prepared tarte aux fruits.

admittedly, i don’t hear these expressions very often in every day life, but i do hear some once in a while (usually met with my “HUH?”) and definitely more on television. some of my favorites:

-c’est pas tes oignons – that’s none of your business – lit: those aren’t your onions

-avoir du pain sur la planche – to be busy with work – lit: to have bread on the board

-etre dans le pâté – to feel groggy – lit: to be in the p�t�

-vouloir le beurre et l’argent du beurre – to want your cake and eat it too – lit: to want the butter and the butter sales

-avoir la banane – to have energy – lit: to have the banana

-c’est du gateau – it’s easy! no prob, like in english, ‘piece of cake’ though, i really like the equivalent expression (though it’s not food related), “doigt dans le nez” – lit: finger in the nose! that makes me laugh.

-tomber dans les pommes – to faint – lit: fall in the apples

-mettre la main à la pâte – to help someone – lit: get your hand in the dough

-bonne poire – someone is too nice – lit: good pear

-ramener ta fraise – know it all – lit: bring back your strawberry

-faire ca pour des prunes – do something for nothing – lit: to do that for plums

-ecrase ta banane – shut up – lit: smush your banana

also, there’s gotta be more expression especially using words like CHEESE or baguette or cream.

do you know of any more?

Nice’s long, tumultuous history has wildly influenced the current unique language of Nice, “Le Nissart,” incorporating Roman, Provençal and French vocabulary, yet it still somehow manages to retain its Nice specificity.

While meandering the winding narrow webbed alleys of Old Town Nice, open up your senses to the quirky sound of the Nice dialect, and notice the street signs written in French as well as in Nissart.

Ahhh, Les Chtimi…No, I don’t have a cold and Yes, that IS French, believe it or not. The Chtimi (cutely pronounced shtee’mee) is a moniker for the northern French (the people in the very, very north of France surrounding the city of Lille) and they have a special patois that is so incredibly adorable and weird, oftentimes, I have to admit, that I have no idea what they’re saying. I’m writing this just after having returned from spending lunch with a neighbor and his visiting Chtimi inlaws.

I will have to do a little bit of linguistic and historical research about its origins (when i have some time) because it’s an interesting subject. I wonder if it has something to do with their proximity to the Belgian border, so some Flemish influence plays into this mix. Or perhaps it’s from the large communities of Polish and Italian immigrants who came to the north of France to work in the mines. (the mining industry lasted 270 years and finally ended by 1990 there.)

Back to the Chtimi language. There IS a lot of the SH sound, for example, if someone says, “ça” it sounds like “sha” or more strange is the adding of the sh sound to pere, which transforms into chpere (pronounced shpehr). Other examples would be the word “beau” which turns to “bieau” (bee-oh); An alambic = cafetiere, a cayelle = chaise, tchiot (pronounced CHO) = petit, bistouille = alcool avec le café, acater (akahtay) = acheter. It’s unusual.

There’s a saying in France about the northern French that I find very sweet and based on my own experiences, very true: Les gens du nord ont le soleil dans le coeur. (The people in the north have the sun in their hearts). That goes with the fact that it rains a lot in the north, nevertheless, are a very warm hearted people. There’s even a song about Les gens du Nord

The most famous Chtimi I could find doing an online search, is the entertainer, Dany Boon (pictured above). If anyone knows of more, please let me know.